first day jitters

I hate using Blogger or Blogspot whatever. I`ve had this site since probably a year ago and it just keeps changing that I can`t keep up. That`s the reason I rarely open this site and write. Now, finally, I`ve figured it out and I`m crossing my fingers that it won`t change anymore.

College has started. I don`t know how to sum up the past weeks, but it`s safe to say that the busyness has been a good thing. I`ve joined orgs, met new people, learned new things. I`ve been living in a dorm, and I must say I enjoy it here more than suffocating at home. I go home during the weekends, though. I get to see my family so I don`t miss them as much.

I miss my friends terribly, but I`m very much enjoying the company of my new ones. They`ve been such fun and I`m actually thinking of staying in my course because of them.



Two weeks ago, when school was just about to start, I wrote this on the back of my notebook:

I`m terrified of school. It hasn`t even been starting and I already feel like a failure. I don`t even know how I`m going to maintain a grade high enough for me not to get kicked out. I just feel so inferior to everyone. They`re all so smart and confident, and I`m me. To top it all off, my issues are resurfacing. I`m starting to feel the stab of loneliness, which I thought would go away completely after I`ve left home. Despite everyone being so unbelievably nice to me, I still feel this way. I honestly believed I wouldn`t be needing to lock myself in a room (in this case, the bathroom since I`ve got roommates) to cry my eyes out. I mean, my need to hide my feelings from people has always overpowered my need to let out my emotions so I thought that if I was forced to hide my feelings all the time, they would eventually go away (and this would mean that I was not really depressed, I was merely a dramatic hormonal teenage girl). Right now, I`m hoping I make good friends to get me out of my 'funk'. I`m hoping this is just a phase and that when I get used to college, I`ll be fine.



I`m glad to say that I don`t feel that way anymore. I actually look forward to going to school now. I won`t say I`m doing well in my subjects because I`m drowning, but I`m doing all I can to make sure I pass. I`m enjoying the time I spend with my blockmates and my CSA friends. I hope this year will be a good one!

Cheers! xx