Getting By

A few days ago a close friend of mine posted a tweet that actually made me stop and think. Who would have thought that in the midst of all the "Wow this professor is so boring!!!" and "@hotguy99 let's hang out later ;)" there would be something poignant? The tweet said "Are you contented with just getting by?" It was obviously meant to encourage people, to shake them up and say "do more!" I remember all those times I told myself again and again that all I had to do was get by. I remember when that was the hardest thing in the world to do, when it was a struggle to just be.

But I am better now! Back then, I would look back and try to pinpoint when I started feeling that way, how it all started. I remember in junior year of high school when I would cry in bed but I could never remember why, only that I felt stupid for crying so much. So much of it was feeling stupid and selfish, that my feelings were completely unwarranted. I look back a lot, actually, and I still try to piece it all together. It's all just a blur and it makes no sense at all.

I doubt anyone ever really knew how bad it got, because I joked about it a lot in a self-deprecating manner. I never told anyone. When a friend would confide in me about fights with their boyfriend or betrayal with other friends, I'd think of how they would react if I confided in them that I was almost empty on the inside and something continues to swallow me up. But I never did tell and I avoided what would have been the barrage of pitying smiles and awkward silences. I avoided what would have been my parents telling me to "cheer up and it'll get better." There were no dramatic suicide attempts or anything like that. It sort of makes it that much harder to make sense of it all, because there was nothing concrete, just a lot of feeling shitty and not leaving the bed. I suppose the worst of it all was the first couple years of college. I remember the first week of school, how I wrote down on my notebook that I was happy to be in a new environment and I was almost certain I would feel much better. I didn't. All the people and the activities and the pressure just brought me down. The people, most specially, I think. I won't even try to make any sense of it, because it's pointless.

There was a time I was just waiting. I was waiting for what I thought was the inevitable fact that I would just go nuts or top myself or something. I considered getting help, but I felt stupid. A friend of mine was depressed and she was sent to the hospital for a while. She had to stop school. What do I have to show for my struggles? I didn't need help, it was all in my head, if I wanted to get better I could. Also the feeling of selfishness won over. How could I be so ungrateful of the wonderful life my parents built for me and still ask them to pay some shrink to teach me how to be happy? So I waited. I thought it wouldn't take long. It's been years, I'm bound to go off the rails soon. Then I wouldn't have to ask for help, people would just give it to me. Partly, I also wanted it to reach some conclusion to finally affirm what I had been feeling, that I had not been well and it wasn't just in my mind and I wasn't just being overly dramatic. It never reached that point. I never use the word depression, because I still can't be sure I had it. I never asked for help and was never diagnosed. If I start feeling that way again, I doubt I'll ever get help unless I'm already a self-sustaining adult.

I was sure I wouldn't live through my senior year in college. I wouldn't even be alive to start my thesis. I figured that my situation had gone on for too long, surely it would finally drive me off a building or into moving traffic before I reach Senior year. I never imagined the other option: that it would just go away and I'd get better. I guess that was the least likely possibility then. During my waiting period, I wasn't scared. I thought that when I finally get to the point where I'd want to end it all, then there'd be nothing I could do to stop myself. If I ever reached that point then so be it. And once I finally do it, then there are no regrets, just eternal sleep. Death was nothing to me then. Hearing me talk about it now I think of those emo kids we all make fun of on the internet. But it was how I felt. If I died, then I died. (One of the things that tells me I'm better now is that I'm afraid of dying.)

I couldn't tell you how I got better. How it ended is as much of a blur to me as how it all started. Little things like wanting to meet people and being able to like what I see in the mirror are the tell-tale signs (at least for me) that it's not as bad now. There are still a lot of things that feel wretched to me. And what's hard to understand is that these are the same things that mad me feel wretched before. My appearance, for example, has plagued me my whole teenage life. I still feel as bad about it, but it's a much different, less unhealthy; it's no longer that that would make me feel worthless.

The weird thing about getting better is having to adjust to normalcy. For a long time all I strived for was to get up, not let anyone know of my inner turmoil, not make my parents kill themselves with disappointment, and go to bed. The getting up was what I had the most trouble with, I think, but for the most part, I succeeded and here I am. It really was not easy. I didn't want to expose this metaphor to the public, but here it is. I felt like there was a baby inside me. Not that I was pregnant or anything, but that there was a toddler that I had to indulge and pacify. I had to do things I enjoyed so I would not go into a slump. There was no one to hand hold me through it all. It wasn't like the movies where my gal pals kidnapped me to go out dancing to feel better. No one knew I was fucking dying on the inside, so that same me who didn't want to do anything had to force myself to do something. A lot of the time I didn't even want to do the things I enjoyed, but I had to. Let's say you fucking love bacon (Who am I kidding, of fucking course you love bacon.) Imagine feeling so damn shitty that you start to despise bacon. And then imagine.having to force yourself to eat bacon because you need to feel not shitty. The baby metaphor got lost somewhere, but the point is that I felt like a baby in that I had to have my favorite things or else I would cry. School? Fuck that noise that shit would get me on the edge of a building faster than you could say Critical Theory. So everything just fell by the wayside and all I did was listen to music and study fashion. That was how it was getting by.

I keep saying that there was no clear point where I want from bad to fine and yet there was no gradual adjustment for me. I don't know how to strive for something other than to "get by." What do I do and what am I capable of now? I used to think I wouldn't be me anymore if I was happy. It felt like the sadness was so much a part of me that I'd be gone if it was gone. So it's odd looking back and realizing that it is gone and I am here and I'm still me. Of course I'm still the girl who hit a rough patch but I'm no longer the girl who is in a rough patch. And while I was in that tough time, I wondered what I could be accomplishing if only I was better. But I haven't become a prolific writer or a supermodel or Academy Award winner yet. Nobody can even tell that I'm better now. And I want to work on that. I want people to be able to see how I've improved. I want to prove to myself that I have gotten through the rough patch and I have moved on and I have learned from it and all that wishing to get better so I can be the best me I can be came true.

On "fashion blogs" and fashion blogs

I have just gotten home (my actual home that I go home at the end of the week) from my Saturday classes and I have yet to catch up on a week's worth of sleep, so excuse me if this post doesn't make as much sense or show as much insight as you expected.

Somebody tweeted a link to this Philippine Star article entitled "A Fashion Blogger Reality Check" and of course I just had to read it. I have yet to find a local "fashion blog" that I enjoy reading (in their defense, I don't really go out searching for any) for reasons that will probably make me sound like a complete snob (but I'll tell you about them anyway later on). So of course, I was very curious to see what people, who are intelligent enough to write for a national paper, thought about "fashion blogs."

Alright, before all that, I just want to explain why I keep putting quotation marks on that term. Everyone considers fashion blogs as the blogs where the majority of the posts are of the blogger's outfit of the day. Some famous local "fashion bloggers" are Camille Co, Tricia Gosingtian, Patricia Prieto. Even one of my closest friends, Cristina Decena, runs a very successful fashion blog. I, personally, think of these blogs as more of style blogs, rather than fashion blogs. To me, fashion blogs are blogs that talk about the fashion industry or blogs that show style, but not so much one's own. I guess I see the blogs of the "fashion bloggers" as leaning more on personal than for the sake of fashion, but that's just how I see it. Some of my favorite fashion blogs would be Coco's Tea Party or STREETFSN, just to show you the difference. So I want to make clear that I'm not putting quotation marks on the term to mock anyone; it's just that it would confuse me to use the term without them.

On to the article. Gabie, the writer, talks about how blogging was so different back in her day (Has anyone ever read an article on blogging that does not talk about this?). She says that she has a Tumblr, but does not consider herself a blogger. I, too, have a Tumblr, and even though I don't think it's as much of a blog as the fashion bloggers' blogs are, it's still a blog, so me using it makes me a blogger. But, again, that's just how I see it.

The first jab she makes at "fashion bloggers" is when she says that her blog is "all [her], and [she is] in no way trying to turn [herself] into [her] own movement with sponsors and free hooch." I don't have a fashion blog, but the only thing that would motivate me to make one is all the "free hooch" that I would probably get. (In fact, I was just having a conversation with my blockmates about this. They insisted I make a blog so we can all benefit from my "free hooch.") First of all. it's a blog. I don't see why you would target the integrity of a blog, especially one that has Jeffrey Campbell shoes as the highlight (This is my own jab at Jeffrey Campbell). I don't think any "fashion blogger" considers her blog as sacred and above receiving free stuff for. I'm sure the readers definitely don't mind seeing a stupid ad for lotion on their favorite blogs, so it's really not a big deal.


"I find that the blogs I tend to enjoy are the ones that aren’t really all about the person who runs the blog in question. It’s about the different street styles you’ll see in different cities, where the best sales are, or how to make the best of this week’s basil." I agree with her on this, because I think you learn so much more in those kinds of blogs than in "fashion blogs." I do sometimes browse the latter, but mostly because they are usually the first ones to post about new products and stores that open in the Philippines. (See? Using your blog to attain free hooch can actually get you more readers!)

The writer quotes this line from Easy A: “I don’t know what your generation’s fascination is with documenting your every thought, but I can assure you: they’re not all diamonds.” I find that it doesn't actually apply to fashion blogging, but more on tweeting, which I admit, I am very fond of. I am extremely guilty of documenting every thought I have on the internet, but I always think that if people don't like what they see, then they can very easily choose to ignore it. Not all my thoughts are diamonds, sometimes they're just rocks, but also sometimes they are rocks that have diamonds inside them when you mine them, and in this case, mining is writing about them. Wow, that metaphor got away from me. What I'm saying is that some thoughts seem really idiotic at first, but writing about them help develop them, and sometimes they turn out to be actually pretty great ideas. Like this blog post, for example. (I'm just kidding, I know this is a load of shit.) So please do not be discouraged to develop your ideas!

Like Gabie, I also tried my hand at documenting my outfits (Don't attempt looking for my Lookbook.nu account because I have deleted it.) I never got a large enough audience for my posts to be able to refute or confirm what she says about blogging affecting and changing your personal style. Although my friend who has a popular fashion blog just says that it motivates her to dress her best, which I don't think is such a bad effect. In fact I, especially, admire bloggers for the dedication to their personal style, because it is something that I know I can never have. I enjoy fashion very much. It is what I think about all the time. But you can never tell that my love for fashion is actually of that magnitude, because I don't show it in the way that I dress. Someone once said that fashion is the greatest form of art, because you can wear it and it presents itself in your everyday life. I agree to an extent, but personally, I love fashion because of the fantasy in it. I guess that's why I love high fashion. There's the sense of escapism. It's less of a self-expression to me. The kind of high fashion that I enjoy nowhere near presents itself in the life of a 19 year old middle class university student, so I have very little interest in dressing myself.


"But as it stands, the idea of being highly photographable pulls focus away from making more sartorial choices and keeps it on staying trendy. The fashion being blogged about becomes homogenized, because everything falls in line with some exaggerated interpretation of trends." I don't know why these bloggers all dress the same way. I don't even know that they do (because I don't pay much attention to them). But the thing with these blogs is that people view them as a source of inspiration, so, of course, taking inspiration from them means there'll be the chance you'll look similar to them. Or maybe that's really just their style and it just so happens that that very style is what readers find appealing so, naturally, they become the most-read bloggers. The Philippines is not fashion forward, that I can say with no hesitations or second thought. Just think of all the people who actually think monogram bags are fashionable and you'll see that I'm right. The fact is that high fashion trickles down to us and, in the process, is altered to fit the tastes of the masses until they all look practically the same. And who would your readership be if you wore Rick Owens or Margiela (or even inexpensive clothes styled in a weird way)? Probably only a handful of Filipinos. In my opinion, the only "fashion bloggers" we see are the bloggers that the readers can relate to and understand, that's why they all look the same. (I understand how this makes me sound very snobbish and pretentious, but just think that if I talked this excessively about One Direction or laptops, nobody would think I was a douche. What makes fashion so different from other people's interests?)

There's a part in this article that made me chuckle (not to be a total cunt). "There is a vast sense of entitlement that lingers, wherein because bloggers are so much more accessible, they are given the same amount of reverence as those who have curated the course of fashion history.... And so it stands that there is a clear question of how far out of context fashion has been placed, especially where it’s no longer models and editors pushing an aesthetic, but “real people” on their blogs." Maybe in the minds of the majority, "fashion bloggers" are revered and maybe even considered the pinnacle of fashion, but, do their opinions really matter? Accessibility does not get you reverence in fashion. So much of the imdustry is based on elitism. It is not "real people" who push an aesthetic, it's always been the editors and designers and the fashion industry. Let me, also, put in a quote from a fabulous movie, The Devil Wears Prada: "But what you don't know is that that sweater is not just blue, it's not turquoise. It's not lapis. It's actually cerulean. And you're also blithely unaware of the fact that in 2002, Oscar de la Renta did a collection of cerulean gowns. And then I think it was Yves Saint Laurent... wasn't it who showed cerulean military jackets?... And then cerulean quickly showed up in the collections of eight different designers. And then it, uh, filtered down through the department stores and then trickled on down into some tragic Casual Corner where you, no doubt, fished it out of some clearance bin. However, that blue represents millions of dollars and countless jobs and it's sort of comical how you think that you've made a choice that exempts you from the fashion industry when, in fact, you're wearing the sweater that was selected for you by the people in this room from a pile of stuff." So just like Anne Hathaway in this movie, these bloggers clothes all come from whatever Carine Roitfeld or Raf Simons said was fashionable. The way that I see it, it is not the "real people" who dictate trends and aesthetics, because it is the editors and designers that dictate it, even if it is indirectly.
 
The misunderstanding of the fashion industry is understandable (in fact I am only operating from my own guesses), but what really rubbed me the wrong way about the whole article and what had me write a whole blog post about it is that the writer has such an issue with how "inappropriate" someone's clothes are for the occasion. She writes,"it turns life into a runway that is so far out of touch with reality, it’s mind-boggling.... What is especially irritating are bloggers who post outfits to appear as though they approach life like they’re headed to events 24/7,... Real talk, sister: that’s not being ahead of the curve." It reminds me of all my friends who would roll their eyes or snicker or mock some girl in school who walks by in five inch heels or a girl who wears make-up to the gym. It's mean and uncalled for. Me wearing acrylic nails to go jogging will not affect anyone but me, so it's nobody's business but mine. If someone feels better when they wear long gowns to the park, then more power to them. Here's some real talk too: fuck real, wear whatever the fuck you like. That's punk! That's fashion!

Anyway, babes, please continue to blog about your clothes and show everyone your style and don't be afraid to experiment and develop, and don't let anyone tell you fashion is stupid and superficial and don't be discouraged!

(Sorry if I seemed sinister to the writer of the original article! I tried my very best to be polite while getting my point across)

blog changes + salon review + aria in manila

Greetings! Have you noticed anything different with the blog-- other than that it's been updated with a new post after forever? I've fixed the layout and the header a bit and added some links on the side! I felt a bit odd when someone referred to my blog as a fashion blog, because it's not exclusively that. I hope y'all don't think this is a fashion blog, because then I'd feel guilty talking about homework and traveling. This is more of a personal blog and it just so happens that I like fashion a lot. Anyway, I've put up links on the side for when you want to read about a specific topic and do not want to go through all my posts whining about school and all that!

Consider this a blog make-over! I've browsed through all the past posts and realized how lame it was when I used to do short reviews on practically all collections. It was a bit much wasn't it? Well I've stopped doing that, if you noticed, and I guess I'll just do them for the really special collections. Also, I know I used to let out a lot of angst on here, but I have figured out a way to make it all private, so rest assured that this blog will be more polished now, and I can guarantee there will be less "angry-teen-with-a-blog". Also, my blog titles appear in comic sans sometimes even though I made the font different, and it appears right sometimes, but it appears comic sans other times. This is really embarrassing and I'd like to officially state that I am not that kind of person who uses comic sans.

Alright, I've sort of just decided to make a post to tell you about the blog changes, but now I have nothing else to say other than that. Hm, let's talk about what I did this week. Well, I'm officially on summer vacation (since three weeks ago) and I've been doing nothing but sleeping and eating and going online! Yay!

I suppose I can talk about how I got my hair straightened. It'll act a a salon review too! I really was iffy about getting my hair rebonded again, because I wasn't sure how I'd look with it, but I was just so sick of my hair and getting it rebonded would mean less maintenance, so I went for it. My mom told me about a salon near her office called Hair Philosophie and she bought me a coupon for hair rebonding, and I went in last Friday. I got there for my appointment at 10am, and the place was very pretty. They start on me immediately and the guy who did my hair was very nice. He was very chatty, but it wasn't the annoying kind of chatty, he was very warm. They gave me iced tea and gave my maid iced tea too, while she waited for me. He asked me if I had my hair colored and I told him that I did it myself. He said that my hair was very dry and that before rebonding it, we should put a protector. Since I was there alone, I had to call my mom who was paying for everything, and since we know nothing about hair care, and the guy was very insistent on it, my mom said yes to the P1000 protector serum they put on my hair. After that, they went on with the medicine that reeked. The guy who was lathering it on wasn't even wearing gloves, so it couldn't have been that harmful or strong. They got on to the ironing and the whole thing. It lasted around 3 hours-- short compared to my past rebonding in Antonio's which lasted around 4 or 4 1/2. Before he started he asked me if I should get my hair trimmed, and I said I just got a haircut a couple months ago. He said that we should see if I should get a trim when we finished with the process. So when we did finish, he asked me again if he should trim my hair, and I said I'd rather not, because I didn't want it to get shorter. He said he'd just trim the dry ends and kept saying "konti lang" ("just a little"). So I kept bargaining for him to just take out the tiniest bits, and he said yes. So he did that for what was literally 3 minutes and he trimmed a bit of my bangs and he was done. So I thanked him, and got to the car while my mom paid and tipped and all that. I was happy with my hair, but hoped that it would have more of a body after a few weeks. (Btw, I told him beforehand that I wanted a semi-rebond, so I'm hoping that my hair doesn't stay stick straight or else I will be so mad) When we got home, my mom said that my hair looks the same length and I told her of course it does he didn't really cut it. Then my mom told me that they charged P650 for a haircut because she thought I had asked for one. I told her I didn't and the guy just literally took a few snips at the ends. I mean, I've had my hair rebonded and I get treatments at salons and usually when they ask if you want your bangs trimmed or when they insist to get your ends trimmed they don't let you pay for it? I could be wrong, but it just didn't seem like the "haircut" I got was worth what I paid. Other than that, though, it was a fine salon experience. It's just that it's a deal breaker when the salon keeps offering me things and making it seem like I need it or else I'll turn into Medusa. The staff was extremely nice though. My maid, who has been wanting to get her hair colored, was offered a discount price, but she didn't go through with it because my mom objected (lol).

Something very exciting: my family discovered that our favorite restaurant in Boracay has put up a branch here in High Street!

I don't know, I thought this post needed at least once photo, so that's my brother with the restaurant behind him.

So the food was obviously amazing, but the service was terrible! The waiting staff were very kind and apologetic, but they just took forever with everything. The food took so long and it was served one by one, so dad's food wasn't so hot anymore by the time everyone got their food. Dad was ordering beers, but they were taking forever and we decided to just cancel the order rather than wait. But the experience wasn't ruined by the service! The new leg of High Street was so very beautiful. My brother said it looked exactly like the town square in Play Station Home. It was so great there too, because it was breezy and not as crowded as the other parts of High Street. It was a fun Maundy Thursday (whatever the hell that is) considering we all thought everything would be closed.

Well that post turned out really long! xx

December in pictures

The last month of 2011

This post is a failure because I hate taking photos and I hate being in them but that's why one of my 2012 resolutions is take more pics!

It's the most expensive time of the year!

I have said before that I really don't like gifts, but that's not entirely accurate. I really just don't like gifts that people have given me. It's like, if you're going to need to spend money on me, then at least get me something I like. Some Christmases I receive sleepwear. I would appreciate the thought, but I can't tell if you actually put any into it, because if you did, you'd realize that the only sleepwear you have seen me in are my 5 year old t-shirts from school. I am grateful that you at least thought of me and spent five dollars on this drugstore cologne and one dollar on this wrapper, but you shouldn't have. REALLY.

I sound extremely ungrateful, but I think if you're going to get me something I neither want nor need, then you've wasted your money and I would have preferred you just kept it. That's actually called being considerate in my book. Of course, I'll still act like I just LOVE that you gave me those 3 for 100 socks just to be polite, but then why do we have to feign enthusiasm when I could just tell you what I want and you tell me what you want! I want us to just mutually genuinely enjoy the gifts we have bestowed upon each other and contribute to the happiness of each other's holidays!

So to remedy this huge earth-shattering problem that I have, I decided I will make a "wishlist". I know I have made tons before, but this time it's for-realsies. Everything is affordable and realistic and should be easy enough to find.

But first, a few tips:
1. If you're unsure of what color to get, it's always BLACK
2. If you are doing rush shopping and have no time to look for the crap on this list, just go to a bookstore and buy me a book. I'm not picky, as long as it's good. Head to the classics or ask the lady what they'd recommend (Please not the Twilight Graphic Novel... because I already own it)
3. GCs are easy and I'd actually love them so I get to pick myself! Giving me the chance to shop is already a gift, really. So places I'd like: Topshop, Zara, any good salon (do they do GCs?), SM, Forever 21, a tattoo parlor (Maybe I'll finally get the nerve to do it) Those are just the recommended places!





Books
1. Anna Karenina (Tolstoy)
2. Compiled Works (Edgar Allan Poe)
3. The Idiot (Dostoevsky)
4. The Great Gatsby (Fitzgerald)
5. Ariel (Plath)
6. Dangerous Liaisons (De Laclos)
7. Mrs. Dalloway (Woolf)
8. As I Lay Dying (Faulkner)
9. The Unbearable Lightness of Being (Kundera)
10. The Stranger (Camus)
11. Subscription to American Vogue/ Vogue UK/ Numero/ Dazed and Confused
12. The Blind Assassin (Atwood)
13. The Death of the Heart (Bowen)
14. Clarissa (Richardson)
15. Infinite Jest (Wallace)
16. Lucky Jim (Amis)
17. The Naked Lunch (Burroughs)
18. Neuromancer (Gibson)
19. Possession (Byatt)
20. The Sound and the Fury (Faulkner)

Makeup
1. Revlon Colorstay for Oily Skin in Buff
2. Dolly Wink Eyelash #8
3. Skin 79 VIP Gold Caviar BB Cream
4. Revlon ColorBurst Lipstick in 070 Soft Nude
5. NYX Soft Matte Lip Cream in Tokyo or Antwerp
6. MAC Lipstick in Myth or Creme d' Nude or Creme Cup or Ruby Woo
7. Maybelline Moisture Extreme Lipstick in Nude Blush
8. Maybelline HIP Ge Eyeliner in Black
9. Bobbi Brown Gel Eyeliner in Black
10. Wet n Wild Mega Eyes Creme Liner in Black
11. Make Up Forever Face and Body Liquid Makeup in Alabaster Beige
12. NYX Lipstick in Tea Rose or Fig
13. Setting Powder
14. Face Primer
15. Lip Concealer
16. Lip Primer
17. Neutrogena Healthy Skin Liquid Make Up in Nude

Wearable
1. Dr. Martens 1460 Cherry Red Milled Smooth
2. Lightweight Sweater
3. Studded loafers
4. Black rain boots
5. Classy ballet flats in Nude or Black
6. Yellow Gold Watch
7. Statement jewelry
8. Satchels / Bags

Online Buys (size 38)
1. http://parisdreams.multiply.com/photos/photo/187/184
2. http://parisdreams.multiply.com/photos/album/187/Shoe_Indulgence_NEW_STYLES_Part_2#photo=181
3. http://parisdreams.multiply.com/photos/album/188#photo=61

Etc.
1. Something to clean my jank ass dirty laptop. A screen protector? One of those expensive ass cloths?
2. 2 packs of Palty in Sakura Creamy
3. Liese (aka Prettia) in Sugar Apricot

In case you win the lotto in the next month:
1. Plane ticket to New York City
2. A coupon for Belo
3. Front row ticket to see Beyonce's baby being born


Actually, I just made this list because I never know what to ask for when people ask what I want. I want a lot of things, and I think it's easier if you have to choose from a list of many. Also, I don't want people spending on me unless I REALLY want it, so if you're going to spend money, might as well be something that will be thoroughly appreciated, right?

Okay, enough talking for me and enough reading for you! More buying buying buying!!!!

See you around the holidays!

Term break

Greetings, losers who probably aren't even on their term break yet, sipping on pina coladas by the bomb ass beach and chillaxing every single day! Well, okay, I'm not at the beach and I've never tasted a pina colada in my life, but I am on term break and I am chillaxing! Awwww yeeeeeehhhhh! My break started with a bang! I got home to my house from the dorm, crashed on my bed and literally started crying from sleep deprivation and exhaustion. Yeeeee booiiiiii! Okay, give me a break! I had not slept in 36 hours then just studying for my Literature finals. But that's all behind me now! I am now dedicating my life (read: 3 weeks) to whatever the fuck I want. Nothing can stop me from consuming 10 donuts a day or drinking scotch at 8am or burning my required readings (all things I would never do, but I would if I could). Speaking of 10 donuts, I don't even feel the LEAST bit guilty when I eat excessive crap, because I DESERVE [need] THIS [to keep me sane].

Okay, so my break just started the other day, but I've already finished season 1 of Breaking Bad. It is so great and it's a bit dragging at the start, but I am so thrilled for my season 2 download to finish (which will be NEVER because something is up with our wi-fi connection). Right now, kids are playing and screaming outside my house and I haven't thrown rocks at them! I'm fighting the urge to lock them up in a basement, but I haven't done it yet! That's how good I feel about this break.

All these good feelings make me want to give back. You know I don't wear half of what's in my closet? I'm thinking of selling it and giving proceeds to charity or something, but it's so hard, because I don't trust anyone. My English professor's friend is heavily involved in one of our local non-government operated charities and she claims that a lot of the profit doesn't actually go into helping anyone. So, let it be known that right now, I am promising not to fuck up my life so that one day I will help people. And maybe you might be saying "grrrrrlll please the only things you talk about are thousand dollar shoes" but fuck you all I will succeed and make this world a better place!

I think that's a bit much for a blog post so I'm ending this now. I suck at this, I never have any pictures, but trust me, my photography skills are horrifying and my face is worse, so just enjoy these black marks on your screen!

Adios! Time for me to get back to relaxing!

Forever Young

Let's take a breather from the fashion month craziness. My internet is being uncooperative and the PFW photos are taking forever to load. I'm on my bed in my underwear lazy as hell so I decided why not just update this thing? Here's a more personal post.

Last Friday, one of my closest friends, Therese, celebrated her 19th birthday at Distillery, Fort. Before that, though, we had dinner at her place with her family. The food was so great, as per usual, because Therese's mom cooked it! As usual, all the girls were extremely late (They have the term like Filipino time which means not on time, give or take 10 to 20 minutes. Barbie time is an hour or two).

Taking photos outside the Arenas residence (Fonzy, I, Ana, Gab, Tina, Czar & Ron)

After dinner, we headed to Distillery where we did not find anywhere within a mile to park! We ended up having to walk, me in 5 inch heels. A few meters in and the rain starts pouring like mad and we end up needing to make a run for in.

I, Tina, Karlos outside Distillery

Faith & I. Do we really look like twins?

With Therese's blockmates + Czarron

It looks like I've twisted Raph's body into an unnatural shape

My mom's reaction upon seeing this photo on Facebook: "Ah!!!! Czar!!!!!"

The pictures don't really say much aside from "HELLO BOOBS" and "I DO NOT OWN A COMB" but this really was one hell of a fun night. Granted, I fell to the floor twice and I grabbed a long haired man and called him Ana, it was still pretty kick ass. Also, my one fear turned out to not come true: my boobs stayed in place even without the help of a bra. Yay!

Happy birthday to the extremely pretty Therese Arenas! ♥

Outfit: Channeling D&G with the leopard print corset (bought online); Studded black shorts (Chatuchak, Bangkok); Miu Miu knowck-off heels (Forever 21)

insert stupid cliche ~stop worrying about the future~ quote here

When I was in my junior year of high school I started panicking about picking a course to take up in college. I've always had crazy dreams as a kid. I started off wanting to be a fashion designer / singer but after realizing I had no talent for drawing, I decided I should just be an actress who gets to wear great clothes. When I found out about the existence of stylists, I dropped my acting dream like it was an optional Trigonometry class. I've always loved writing and I've gotten a lot of encouragement and affirmation over the years. It was early in high school that I got the idea of getting into fashion journalism and by my senior year I was dead set on pursuing it. I was 16 when I made the decision of going into Literature and then going to fashion school after graduating with a degree. Obviously, I haven't quite gotten to the graduating part, but I'm already doubting if I chose the right path. It's not because my passion for either writing or fashion has waned, because it certainly has not. I'm just very scared and very worried. I think it goes without saying that breaking into the fashion industry is tough (understatement of the year). I fear that I'm going to end up becoming a starving artist and I know far too well that what might seem cool in movies are usually pretty shitty in real life (I think I'll be more focused on making a can of sardines last for a whole day than planning a La Vie Boheme musical number on table top). It's pretty early on in my higher education plan and I think if I wanted to, I could still steer away from what could be either a trainwreck or the reason for me to live.

A year ago I was discussing writing with two of my friends, the smartest people my age that I've met, and they told me of how they would never want to write for a magazine, because they did not want to have to cater to the masees. I guess that's one of the things I'd have to deal with if I ever do become a writer. Let's say I start off in a Philippine fashion magazine. Can you imagine the compromise I'd have to do just so the public can "appreciate" my work? And isn't that just a writer's nightmare, to sell out? Plus the pay would be terrible. I'll write about thousand dollar ripped t-shirts and get paid a few hundred an article. Oh, the irony!

I still sometimes like to be idealistic. I imagine myself actually being able to do what I love my way. Maybe I'll get to be one of my heroes like Cathy Horyn or Suzy Menkes or Robin Givhan. But most likely, I'll end up teaching English at your local private school and asking myself why I continue to exist. Let's pray that I get lucky.

Unintelligible rambling

1. I was just on tfs trolling the forums (duh! what else does one do there?) and reading the comments of all these people getting so sassy and emotional about their favorite models and designers. I snickered in class when my classmate said Prada was a French brand. I physically cringe when someone mispronounces a label (trust me, it happens a lot). I am Elitist Fashionista™ personified, but I don't think I'm anywhere near these members on tfs. I mean, these are the people who failed to sleep soundly that night they saw Lady Gaga wear that vintage Versace. These are the people who wept in despair when they saw Dior Fall 2011 HC. Also all these people keep discussing collections from 1996 and they're my age!!! We were fucking toddlers!!! I just... The point of this is that I am in actual real awe of people's love for fashion and I wish to be like them, because hey, it's not like I actually spend my time now saving the whales or doing stem cell research. Completely turning my life over to fashion won't be that much of a stretch. Also, it'd be great to actually be magnificent and knowledgeable of something rather than just being mediocre at a bunch of things and I would want it to be something I love. Am I right or am I right smack in the middle of a teenage crisis? It's the former, I hope.

2. In other news: fashion week schedule is out! S/S shows are my favorite shows to watch, mainly because I can't ever imagine owning clothes from F/W as, in this country, the sun would probably shrink itself, come to earth, stand 3 inches away from me and laugh at my face if I ever even thought of wearing a parka in Manila. *btw, I hear parkas will be the staple this season at fashion week*

3. I really wish to shift courses. I am an English Literature major and I don't even like reading all that much, at least not enough to study it for four years and probably work my whole life as something that has to deal greatly with books. I've realized I like reading for the same reason I like movies: I enjoy being in a different world. It's basically the story that sells to me and what's important to me is how involved I get in it. I don't know, man. I just seem to want to turn my life upside down. Like, I was 16 when I made that decision, how does anyone expect me to stick to it?

4. I don't know why my roommates don't like me much. I mean, they don't hate me. They just... Okay, so whenever they need to borrow like a pen or something, they're going to ask everyone in the room and I'd be the last resort. I don't wanna like chat with them al the time or be besties or some shit, just because I hate small talk and all that, but it's just bothersome, because I have done my best to be really nice, but still they don't feel comfortable with me! What is it that I do wrong? Honestly, I am curious, because I thought I was being all friendly. Okay, so I don't ask how their day was and I don't talk much, but that's me and if they do enjoy talking, what have I ever done to make them feel like I am not open to listen? :( This is actually not even about my roommates, because I don't mind if they don't talk to me as long as they keep their hands off my shit and the bathroom clean, but they've proven to me that people feel like I'm hostile or something. So when the time comes that I actually want people to talk to me, they won't, because I give off that vibe! I feel like one day I'm going to be so desperate I'll end up buying a dummy just so I can practice my social skills.

5. I colored my hair Creamy Beige by Prettia. It's brown. Uh, I don't know how else to describe it. It's like a medium brown that turns semi-orange, not red, when hit by the light.

So that's that. I just felt like I needed to update this thing. I've been meaning to for the longest time. Last Sunday when I was all wallowing in my sadness as per usual, I had so much material, but my bitch of a maid decided to infiltrate my room and I couldn't send her out, because my Mom would be like "what's wrong, why are you angry again blah blah blah blah!!!!!" agh!!!!!! just leave me alone!!!!!!!!!!

okay wow, that got out of hand fast. Anyway, goodbye!

I hate...

having to eat alone. waiting for downloads to finish. waiting for a late professor. seeing happy couples. seeing sad couples. losing things. running from building to building so as not to be late for class. standing next to skinny girls. celebrating my birthday. waking up the night after you slept with wet hair. getting too drunk. downloading the wrong file. having to squeeze into pants that fit well just a month ago. getting gifts in the wrong size. getting my shoes wet from the rain. having cereal but not having milk. being the only high person which makes you annoying to everyone else. entering a dark room and not being able to find the light switch.

when my favorite shows end. when a good book is turned into a crappy movie. when I overcharge my phone. when guys wear slippers in places other than the beach or at home. when I forget my password. when I'm asked to pick where to go. when someone turns up/down the volume to a number that isn't a multiple of 5. when bangs have grown to an awkward length. when Lady Gaga destroys beautiful clothing by wearing it. when people i'm not close to touch me. when the movie i want to download has few seeds.

commercials. Maths. injections. butterflies. butter popcorn. typos. condescending remarks. Katy Perry. trypophobia. misogyny. traffic. homework. rape culture. special snowflake syndrome. air bubbles. late flights. awkward situations. boys who think they have to pay for everything when on a date. small talk.

Tina's 18th

Last May 6 was, one of my closest friends, Tina's debut. The youngest of all the Barbies was finally turning into a legal adult and we were all so excited for her.

We spent months guessing what the theme of her debut was. It was only during the day itself that we figured it out--well, I haven't actually figured it out yet, but it's got something to do with the galaxy and stars and stuff. Whatever, the theme being vague does not detract from the awesomeness that was this party!


How it looked like outside

The first surprise was Madam Auring being there to tell people their future. There were only a few guests who had their fortunes told. I'm all for good fun, but man everyone was like really weirdly ecstatic about what they were told. Because you know, wholeheartedly believing in a stranger who claims she sees your future is totes sensible.

We were finally called inside, because Tina was about to make her grand entrance. We knew she was going to dance, but we didn't expect the kind of dancing she did! She was lifted up and twirled around. It was so cute and surprising!


The grand entrance. This is unedited, btw.

After the entrance was the 18 Candles of which I was a part of. They just played our pre-recorded message on the huge ass screen (how humiliating) while we catwalked to get to Tina's throne. Then came the usual debut traditions. The funniest part was the video of the celebrity greetings. She had TV hosts, senators, actresses, councilors, groups of traffic enforcers, and the crowd favorite, Dirik Niramsi (a Derek Ramsy impersonator who looks nothing like him)!

An important part of every event, of course, is the food. For Tina's debut, it was great. I remember wishing my friends would eat some more so I didn't look like a hog. Then the drinks. Out of all parties I have attended, Tina's drinks were the best. Strong, but still tasted great. My favorite was the Mojito and Black Orchid. I think my condition of being in a drunken stupor by the end of that night attests to how much I enjoyed the drinks served.



I had one too many.

This debut was by far one of, if not, the best debuts I have attended. I hope you had a great time during your celebration, MM. I know I did!

Last Saturday was the scheduled DLM photoshoot. My friend, Aia, had asked me to style the shoot along with my friend, Tina. Tina and I arrived at the house of Matt, where we were supposed to prep up, but since we were early birds and were too shy to enter, we decided to grab some lunch at McDonalds. When we finished and headed back, we found the whole team already there.

Tina and I got on to making outfits with the shirts while Yella and Jo did hair and make-up on the models. Karlos cut up the shirts. It was hours and hours of working + chatting up and laughing! We started shooting at around 5 pm. Jack, the photographer, did wonders! He made the models lie on the grass and climb trees. He would ask models to turn their heads a couple centimeters and it would make such a huge difference.



Jack would yell "shirt!" and, as the stylist, I would have to run and make sure the print is clear and visible.



Me with Alex (model) and Tina (co-stylist). The top Alex is wearing was actually a t-shirt, but we had Karlos alter it since we thought a tank top would look better with a maxi skirt. Doesn't the alteration look so professional?



This is the "dream team".
L-R: Anna (hair), Jo (hair), Jack (photographer), Yella (make-up), Alex & Karlos (creative directors), Me (stylist) & Tina (Missing in action) with Aia, the girl behind all this!

And here's a teaser of how this will turn out



Make sure to follow AIA and like Dream a Little More on Facebook for updates! Shirts go on sale June 1! Designs are already posted on the FB page. They ship worldwide!

Cebu Holy Week

During Holy Week, my family and I took a trip to Cebu. It was a four day trip with my family, the Porcallas and Kaela and Keene. We had such a blast during those four days and we went home with proof of it (my sunburn is still so dark!).

Our flight was at 4am. Yes, 4am! I've learned that it's not a good idea to cry yourself to sleep at night when you have to see people early the next day.

A few weeks ago I visited my friends at De La Saale University. DLSU is the university a huge percent of people from my high school go to. People sometimes jokingly refer to it as CSA 2.0. Whenever I visit, I always see a bunch of my old classmates. It's really fun visiting every once in a while.

When I did so with Therese, we had such a great time. All of my friends who study in another school went to DLSU too so we got to be complete once and for all!

Pictured:L-R Top- Jara, Ana, Yua Bottom- Karlos, Raph, Tina, Me, Therese, Nicole, Czar


It was so lovely to be with them after such a long time. Jara, who I never ever see unless I visit her in school, was finally there and I was finally able to reconnect with her. We all bonded at Cerealicious and Papa John's. We decided to head out just before it got dark. We didn't know where to go yet, but thankfully, Therese offered up her house for a drinking session.


Therese & I

So we went to Central to takeout alcohol. The car ride was so fun! We kept laughing all the way to Therese's house. We stayed at her patio as usual and ordered in McDo! It was a great night too! I had to leave early though because the next morning I had an important thing to go to.

The next day was my (not so) little brother's grade school graduation. The ceremony was in the school's newly renovated gymnasium.


Walking to the gym with my mother


Outfit of the day:
Top - Divi
Pants- Divi
Shoes - F21
Bag - Hong Kong Ladies' Market



The graduates

It was so hilarious watching them because I am all too familiar with how you're instructed to be robotic and spot on with everything you do during the ceremony. They tell you at what word to clap, the exact moment you will sit, which hand to shake the rector's hand with, etc. I lol'd when one kid sat in the wrong aisle whcih resulted in a domino effect that lead to the last few students lacking seats. I could see the teachers getting angry.


My brother who stands out due to his abnormal height


Getting his diploma

After the ceremony we took photos and decided to have lunch in Burgos Cirlce in The Fort. We ate in Unle Cheffy. The food was decent, but I didn't like what I ordered so much.



After that I went to Tina's house to film for her debut. It turns out the filming won't be in her house in Ayala but in Marikina. We all took a car there and as usual the car ride was so noisy with out voices trying to compete the party songs playing. The shoot was so funny because we all had to re-do it after seeing that we all looked haggard in the video.

After the shoot, we ate in Gravy Fix Katipunan. What was hilarious was a friend rang me and was freaking out. She kept asking if I was alright because news was going around that I had been in a car accident. I just laughed it off. Apparently my brother was playing a very unfunny April Fools trick! He got in trouble for it after because my parent did not think it was funny. Heehee

It was a really fun couple of days! I had fun spending the days with my girls.

Coachella

So as I promised I would update this blog more with more personal things. It is my birthday today! I am an adult! 18 years! Wow! I remember years ago, I had this list of things to do before I turn 18. It had things like: get a boyfriend, go skinny dipping, drink until I pass out and loads of other things I still have yet to do! I know 18 is pretty young, but I feel sort of like I don't have enough to show for it. Ah, well, I am just waiting for my big break. Hello, Ms. Wintour?

Anyway, last Friday my friends and I went to a Coachella themed bazaar in Rockwell. Rockwell bazaars are usually frequented by fashion bloggers and personalities. It's also where you can buy from online stores so we all really wanted to go. Also, the theme was Coachella. There was good music promised so we got really excited.

Before going to Rockwell, we checked out the new Forever 21 branch in Makati. It was packed at merely 10am! I didn't get to explore it much, but I can say that I like the Megamall branch more.

We finally went to Rockwell and checked out the items. There were tons of really pretty things like quirky rings with the faces of Frida Kahlo, Marilyn Monroe and Audrey Hepburn (duh, of course!). There was a stall that had a long rack of cropped tops. There was one that had a cartoon print of Alex DeLarge (A Clockwork Orange) that I told myself I would buy, but I totally forgot to! :( Even worse is that I forgot what the name of the store was. I did manage to buy POSH shoes which saved my aching feet by the end of the night.

Aside from that shirt, there wasn't anything that I wanted to buy. I don't know, everything looked like everything else. Anyway, the bazaar was pretty disappointing. There wasn't anything different about this bazaar. It wasn't unlike any other bazaar they have in Rockwell. I mean, it was a great tactic to theme it Coachella because of all these damn *hipsters in Manila.

We just took a lot of photos. These are a bunch of me with Karlos posing against the photo wall.





Our shopping trip turned into a food trip. We ended up eating at Gram's and vandalizing the wall. There happened to be a raging Klaine shipper who wrote before us. That wall was filled with Kurt ♥ Blaine and Klaine 4ever!


After eating at Gram's, we walked around a bit and ended up in this closed off bridge. No one was passing (I don't even think people were allowed to because there were post blocking the way that we had to jump over) so we took advantage and took photos!





We had to go home after that. I bought home a load of red velvet cake which was delicious!

Outfit:
Top: Mango
Shorts: Divi
Shoes: Hong Kong
Necklace: Divi
Bag: Hong Kong

Note: I thought I could try the color blocking trend little by little. The entirety of my closet is black so this trend would take a lot of adjusting to. My bag is a bright color and so were my nails. It looks stupid because no one can even tell what color my nails are so it just looks like my bag is so out of place. Ugh, next shopping trip: the brighter the better!


*does it count when they actually like being labeled hipsters?

It has been a year and a couple of days since I graduated High School. As messed up as people say high school made them, I was fortunate enough to have had to make up a reason for my crazy. You see, I went to the most boring High School ever. Now that I look back, that place didn't give me shit to help me with my life now. Ah, well, that's that. High school was a blast though. I never had to think of studying, because my teachers were so used to nobody giving a fuck that even just .1% effort put into an essay got me an A. It sounds like I went to some really jank High School, but actually people even call it prestigious. I may hate that I didn't learn shit, because I'm paying for it now that I'm in college, but I can't say I didn't have fun. I mean, isn't that what high school is for?

I'm just feeling a bit nostalgic, because in less than 2 weeks, I'm going to be a sophomore in college. Wow. I was looking at old pictures and reminiscing (lol hate that word). I thought I'd show you through photos.


After our class play in my sophomore year. I don't even remember what my role was.


With Nicole & Yua. This was during our school fair. Look at how straight my hair used to be.


At a friend's themed sweet sixteen


Getting (obviously) drunk for the first time ever in my junior year. Ended up crying on my mother's lap when I got home.


Prom night! Yes, I had a date. I can't locate a photo of us, but here's one with me and the people who made that night great, my friends. :)


Last night of junior year, when we threw a party. This is when we started our party planning thing.


My class for senior year. We were always fooling around.


My forever friends. These are my busmates (missing Trishy). We spent practically our whole lives knowing each other.


This are my friends & I right after we received our diplomas!


This was us celebrating in our Graduation Ball.

That's my high school life in photos. Of course it had more crazy nights and boring routine days than you can see here, but this is how I'll remember it. :)
*sorry I couldn't find any pics from freshman year*