02052011

Heavy Feelings

I really thought I was over this. I am almost 18 years old. I am in college. I practically don't live in my house anymore. I should be over this. God damn, I should be more mature.

Months ago I told myself I would stop giving a fuck and, for a while, I sort of did. All those snarky comments about my weight, I just let them slide or I laughed them off. I didn't buy clothes for a long while just so my mother wouldn't notice my weight gain and therefore have a reason to berate me. I tried not to take it to heart when relatives said "Ang laki laki mo na" ("You've gotten so big"). It wasn't an issue for a while. I thought that I was done with it. I didn't hate my weight anymore and that was that.

I know weight issues are so foolish and shallow. If only these reasons were enough to make me get over it. It feels awful seeing an amazing pair of boots, but not being able to buy them because they make your legs look bigger. It feels heartbreaking seeing the same pair looking great worn by someone skinny. It feels horrible when you have to go through your whole closet looking to find an outfit that doesn't make you look like a whale and then end up crying on the pile of clothes on the ground. It feels like shit when every time you eat, someone is looking at you intentionally making you feel guilty. It feels dreadful to have to go to ask a saleslady to give you a bigger size. Everything is so trivial and yet it all seems so huge to me.

It all came coming back today. I was sitting on my bed at around 6pm. I was on my laptop while our maid was beside my bed ironing clothes. My mother was sleeping next to me. Our maid was eating Super Thin. They're these really thin crackers that melt in your mouth. She offered me some and I took four. I continued to snack on them when suddenly my mom wakes up and sees me eating. She sleepily held onto my hand and said "Tama na, kain ka nang kain. Ang laki laki mo na." ("Enough already. You keep eating and eating. You're already so big."). I was actually stunned. It wasn't unusual that she comments on my weight gain, but what she said seemed rather harsh, and for what, a few crackers? I looked at my laptop screen, but everything is blurry when your eyes are filled with water. How melodramatic. After excusing myself saying I needed to go to the bathroom, I went downstairs and locked myself inside the comfort room.

I am a total cliche. I sat there in the toilet and I just imagined myself three years ago standing in the shower, letting the water run, while I stuck a toothbrush down my throat. I cried for at least half an hour and waited for the redness of my eyes to go away for another half. I went back upstairs and my mom looks at me and asks, so casually as if she was just asking me if I was wearing a new top, if I cried. I shook my head and stared down into my laptop. I think the worst part of it all is that I only have myself to blame. I am not even angry at my mom. I am angry at myself. I wish I didn't care so much. I wish it didn't affect me so strongly. I wish I had the self-control. I wish I wasn't so unhappy.

I highly doubt that I will get over my weight issues unless I actually reach my ideal weight. For a while, maybe, it'll just get repressed and then resurface again. I am just glad I don't do such drastic things anymore when I feel this way. I guess that's a good thing. I suppose it means I'm getting better.

I am sorry for such a melodramatic cliche rant.