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It's not you, it's me. You, being the world. It's not that you've dealt me a shit hand. Definitely not that. I've got an amazing family, the kind that would creep you out and make you think you're in some Stepford house. I have the greatest friends I could ever ask for. I study in a good school. I'm physically able and could be quite smart when I want to be. I could have (had? I'm having trouble with tenses here) a pretty smooth sailing life. If I wasn't me that is. I don't know, it sounds contradictory, doesn't it? I guess all that shit- the wonderful home, the supportive friends, the fantastic education- won't matter much if I'm rotten on the inside. It's always the same thing again and again, people telling me to focus on what I have rather than what I don't, and yes I realize I have so much, but that just makes it worse. Why do I have all this and so many people don't? I don't deserve any of it. I don't deserve the house and the family and the love and the rewards. All I do is feel miserable and poison everything. I poison everything. I bring other people down. I ruin moments. I make people feel bad, because I feel bad. There are other people who have nothing, but deserve everything and they should have what I have. They'd appreciate it so much more. They wouldn't take it for granted like I have. All of New Years I spent crying and feeling horrid. The past year felt like a waste, I hadn't changed at all. And I thought I'm turning 19. And maybe people will say I'm so young but I'm not really because I can't afford to be young. I'm graduating soon and then I'd have to get a job and then I'd have to live on my own and then I don't know. Life. It's terrifying because it'd be such a huge disappointment to my parents if I don't get a good job or get my life going, because they'd worked so hard for my future. But if I stay like this I'm most certainly going to fail them. If I stay sad. If I don't see a future for myself. I am just so resigned to a life of failure. What if I have to work at a call center? What if I stay a secretary forever? What if I have to be a saleslady? In my mind I will most certainly become those things and it's horrific. And I have to live in a tiny apartment on a broken down neighborhood and I'm alone. That's the only future I see myself in and it's hard living right now when I only have that to look forward to. I don't know why I keep trying to explain it. Maybe I just want someone to understand. I want someone to sympathize with me and not make me feel like an utter failure. Like a terrible daughter. Because I'm not. In fact when I get down to it the only reason I really have been keeping myself alive is for my family. I can't do that to them you know. And I think of how they'll be all hysterical when they find out I've topped myself and I realize they love me so much. Because they do. I know it. But I just get so sad because why isn't that enough. Why isn't it enough that I have them to make me happy? What is it with human beings that expect so much out of life to be fulfilled? But I don't want to bring in the whole human race because not everybody wants to off themselves. In fact I don't really. In general, maybe I guess I do. But there are moments where I love being alive, but they are moments. And then there are times where I want to die, but they're also just moments. Most of the time I'm just alive, because nothing has killed me yet. The other day I spent an hour in the shower thinking up a way I can die the perfect death. I thought maybe for when a family member gets really sick and needs like a heart and I can give them mine. But then they'd still be really sad for losing me so that's not ideal. I realize I can't escape the truth that I'd be leaving people behind. Maybe I don't really want to die. Maybe I'm just saying I do. Maybe I'm being overly dramatic as I am wont to do. The closest I came was over the summer when I cut my wrists after my mom and I had a fight in which she went on to tell me things that I took to mean I'm worthless and I won't become anything. Of course she could have said something like "New pants" and I still would have taken offense because that's what I do, but the point is this was a pretty big fight that got to me and I figured heck their lives would be better off without me, she said so herself! So there I went cut cut snip snip but it hurt A LOT and so I was like fuck this I'll just cry myself to death, but of course that didn't work and I had to wake up the next day to go to the airport for vacation. So no, I don't think I can ever really kill myself because I've thought I could for the past maybe four years but obviously I'm still here. It's difficult to admit that because I've always considered suicide as a refuge for when life's become too bleak and dark, but I know deep down I'll just end up being miserable until I get run over by a truck or get an Ebola virus or something. But then that's all too depressing and to be honest I do really want more than anything to be rid of the sadness that seems to consume every bit of my life. I want to want to wake up and see people and do things and be alive. I want to be able to see a good future for myself and work towards it. I want to make my parents proud of me. Wanting these things is good, right? Wanting is better than apathy, I think. It's so difficult to change though. How do you start and can people really change? I think they can. I mean I'd like to think there's more to me other than my sad parts. I'm a real person underneath all of that. But sometimes I feel like those same sad parts take over all of me and I have to be a completely different person to be happy. Like I said, I'm the problem. Something inside me, like an spreading cancer. But how can I be a different person? What makes a person anyway? I don't eat vegetables. If I did would I still be me? What if I start eating vegetables and start a daily exercise routine? What if I add watching more reality TV to that? How many things do I have to change for me to not be me? I think I'll start with the vegetables thing. A new years resolution. I mean, if it doesn't work then at least I'd have gotten healthier, right?