03072011

It's so jarring to me when someone says a suicide is stupid. She took her life because she failed a class, because her boyfriend left her, because she had no friends. Things like these that seem so trivial when looking at the big picture, can be, to some people, worth ending their lives over.

I had that depressed phase when I was a wee bit younger. I never really acted on it, but I was just miserable all the time. I thought about killing myself everyday. I thought it was normal for teenagers to feel that way. I had always been a drama queen. I started toying with the idea of suicide ever since I was able to read (I would cry in my balcony and think of jumping whenever I got into trouble). I guess I never really did anything, because I knew it was a phase. Also, I would often think about my parents crying at my funeral, maybe even blaming themselves. I could never do that to them. I never took it too seriously knowing that actual depression would just make me seem like a needy attention whore (not saying that depressed people are. This was just my way of coping). I would just have days when I would cry for no reason. The one thing that stopped me from crying was thinking of creative ways in which I would kill myself. Up until I was 13, I figured overdosing on sleeping pills was how I would go. It seemed romantic. That was until I found out you go into painful convulsions before you die, and that I could still survive it by getting my stomach pumped, but end up having dysfunctional organs. I had to find a new way to die after that. I would read all about suicide attempts. My favorite one was bleeding yourself out in a warm bath. It seemed so beautiful, although it was something I knew I could never get myself to do. I only considered non-bloody non-gruesome suicides, because I did not want my parents' last image of me to be a horrific one. But I never limited my imagination. Somehow, thinking about ways to go calmed me down. I never did self-harm because, although I have been told to be extremely sadistic, I can never fathom hurting myself for the sake of I don't even know. If you're going to end yourself, then just fucking do it (In my opinion. Of course I do not know how politically correct anything that has to do with suicide is).

As always, I have deviated from the point. Now, I try to imagine my life ten years from now, realistically. I am working and hauling ass at some job I don't enjoy, but eventually learn not to despise. A probable scenario is that I am in a dull lifeless marriage with kids. Let's backtrack. I imagine myself six years from now in a mediocre paying job doing something I absolutely hate mooching off of my parents' money and feeling extremely guilty for it. Let's try two years from now. I am studying in Ateneo, not doing anything of any worth.

I don't think suicide is ridiculous. Sometimes, it seems like the logical answer. Sometimes, even a little thing like failing a class is enough to make someone end it all. Here's the rationale: Your life sucks and you know your future will suck. You're living just because nothing has killed you yet. Then a problem arises. It's pretty shitty- not earth-shattering, but it's still shit. You weigh the options. Is your life, your future, really worth having to deal with this? Is there something you're looking forward to, something motivating you, to keep on keeping on? For suicidal people, the answer is usually no. So that's pretty much it. It's just like when you're watching a crappy TV show at 12 noon and a commercial comes up. You think, is this show really worth waiting the commercials for or do I just go and take my afternoon nap?

I am not justifying suicide, I am simply rationalizing it. I hope no one reads this and convinces himself that suicide is the answer. I am just saying that I understand. Even though I don't know what it, an actual serious urge to kill yourself, must feel like, I do understand why people feel it. I sailed past my issues smoothly, because it was just a case of teen angst and a heightened expression of my inner drama queen. It was never a struggle for me because, to be honest, I just enjoyed feeling things- and since nothing was prompting me to feel happy, I settled for miserable.

I don't know why I suddenly started typing about this. Maybe, I am just glad that part of my life is over, although I like to revisit it at times. Anyway, I hope everyone who struggles with depression or anything of the sort can find something to ease their troubles. It doesn't have to be something as gruesome as imagining ways to die (in fact that would probably worsen things). It can be something like singing or writing or riding roller coasters even! But if it's really bad, you probably need help and asking for it is very hard because you are afraid people think it's ridiculous. I suppose I typed this all out to say it's not ridiculous. People do understand.