02052012

Friday didn't start out so well. Sometimes you have dreams. They aren't bad dreams, just very weird ones. Weird in a sense that in the dream, you're not yourself. I had one of those dreams that day, and it was good, but waking up is when it starts to make me feel bad. In dreams, I can be someone other than myself. In reality, I'm still me. It's still difficult to accept it on some days. But on days where one second you're this fully functioning comfortable decent version of yourself, and the next you're back to your real self, it's even harder. It's just that these kinds of dreams, I feel like they're mocking me. They're going "Hey, Chelsea! Look at the life you could be living. Look at how great it would be to not be you!" It just feels so close, yet so far. In these dreams, I still look like me. Sometimes I am taller. Sometimes I am thinner. People like me. I like myself. When you're who you want to be, and then suddenly you're not, it sucks. I tried to sleep again so that maybe I would forget it. I only ended up being late for school. And no, I didn't forget it. So what could I do but stay in bed all day? Nobody else was there so I had the privacy-- to cry and not wear pants and talk to myself. That lasted until the sun went down and my roommates got home. I had to wear pants then.

I figured I would watch TV. TV is good. Movies are good too. Books also. They keep me occupied. I didn't have to think anymore. I watched a lot of Sailor Moon. Then I watched a lot of Suits. That was nice. The thing with those dreams, I had to think about my life and myself and the loathing I have for both. But the point is I am the focal point of it all. And that makes me sad. If I were to never have to remember that this is who I am and this is the life I lead, then I would be happy. TV does that, even for just a short 25 minute episode. I don't have to remember me. There's only Usagi who is a 14 year old crybaby that transforms into a superhero wearing the skimpiest clothes. I like her. I felt better after 8 episodes.

I really should not let dreams destroy my day. But sometimes I just get so sad that I cannot get out of bed. But nothing a little escapism cannot solve.