Word Vomit

It has been a ruthless couple of days. You see, this week is what we, college students, like to call Hell Week (actually, I wish I could refrain from using that term because that would mean it didn't come around every so often). It's a Wednesday today which means I'm half way through it! I wish I could just relax this weekend and not have to worry, but I've actually got two exams next week and an oral defense (which is probably what I'll be worried for most).

I always end up passing a half-assed paper, because I always cram. I always cram, because whenever I do have free time (which is quite rare), I feel like I should make the most out of it (sleep, watch shows, go out). I actually don't know how to put 100% of my efforts into a project. I'm not even sure if I can do that. I work on something and if I worry about it enough, then I feel I've done my best. It's like I use my anxiety to mean that I worked hard enough on it, when in fact I just worried a lot more than I should have. I think it's because worrying is so damn exhausting that afterward you just feel like you've done all you can and can do no more.

Do I regret going to Ateneo? Right now, I do. Ask me in three years and I would say no. Ask me in six years and I don't know what I'd say. Would being an Ateneo graduate really give me an edge? Would people be really impressed with me because I graduated from Ateneo despite my mediocre grades? Do people even know how difficult it is?

I don't know why I had to be such an arrogant asshole. I guess this is what I get for thinking I am smarter than everyone therefore I will go to Ateneo and leave all you stupid people behind. If this is karma, then what prize do I get for forcing myself into a school that only half-accepted me, just so I could make my parents happy?

If I tried half as hard as I try now back in High School, I probably would be an honor student. I think it was being so used to mediocrity that makes me such a wreck now. I used to go to school and only find out there is going to be a quiz the moment the quiz paper is passed down to me. I still end up with an average or above average grade (except for Math. Fuq Math). They're right, discipline taught in school really does affect the person you will be, but the thing is they didn't teach us discipline in high school. (Going to try not to talk about that because this will end up into a post about how much I hated my school and how horrible it is yadda yadda). Now I am just so complacent, but at the same time, so stressed out! That's contradictory, but I just mean I am so stressed out and worried, but I half-ass it anyway.

Nothing is making sense right now. I am listening to the Charlie Sheen interview again and again and it seems to be calming me down. Earlier in the day it was Rebecca Black's Friday. Is this the disintegration of my intellect? I think so. Ateneo is at fault.