It's my party and I'll cry if I want to.

I have been listening to Elie Goulding's cover of Only Girl In The World on repeat. Her voice is so beautiful. It's so calm and, uhm, British! Hahaha!
I wanted to blog about Milan Fashion Week, but Photobucket seems to be under maintenance so I cannot access the photos. Instead, I will just write complete nonsense like I usually do (Yay, she's going to rant about her miserable life again!)

So I am turning 18 in a month and, apparently, to some people, this is a huge deal. I don't understand our culture's understanding of birthdays. I suppose it's celebrating that we've made it another year without dying (which I don't understand either. What's so bad about dying? It's not like you'll feel any regret or sadness, because, hey, you're fucking dead!). I grew up celebrating birthdays like any normal child. We had party hats and cakes and pool parties like most kids do. I don't know why I am so apathetic when it comes to special occasions (I feel the same way about New Years and I'd probably feel the same way about relationship anniversaries if I ever get to have one). I just lost the excitement for it when I grew up and didn't see the point in them.

So, to finally say it out loud and appease people's burning curiosity (this is me deluding myself into thinking I am important and relevant), no I will not have a party or debut or whatever. I won't be traveling to some fancy island. I won't be getting a car. Friends and relatives always like to ask me what I am going to do for my birthday. I just *kanyeshrug* when I really want to say "What's it to you?". Why is it that people expect something from you when it's your birthday? I feel like I am obligated to have a party or dinner. WHY. No one really gives a fuck that I am alive for one more year. You all just want to dress up and eat my food. Let's not joke ourselves. Would anyone even go if we just go to a park and bring bottles of Coke and a bag of pretzels to celebrate my birthday? FUCKING NO.

I am glad my parents share the same birthdays-are-lame sentiment.
They don't even ask me anymore because they know I'd just jokingly ask for whatever designer item I am lusting for at the moment. I really feel weird when someone makes a big deal out of my birthday. I do appreciate it, but just don't do it. I know you mean well, but don't. Once, a friend decided to throw a surprise party and I found out and decided not to show up (lol I'm a class A cunt).

I just cannot handle a whole event where the whole focus is me. Just thinking about having a party scares the panties off of me. Think of a huge room full of people who spent hours fixing themselves to look presentable enough for your event. They're going to be sitting down and just staring at you, eating your food, greeting you, dancing to celebrate you. Oh God, it's giving me a panic attack. There will be speeches for you. People will talk about your party and be like "It was fun" or "It was so lame!". The worst is that you're going to have to smile the whole time. UGH. I also feel like people have debuts just to upstage other people's debuts. They just want to wear a pretty dress and they want everyone to look at them. I am not judging. It's your birthday, you can do what you want. I used to dream of being Prom Queen when I was eight, because I liked pretty dresses and I liked people liking me. Somewhere along the way I incurred some anxiety issues and I just felt uncomfortable being in front of the limelight.

It's not just the celebratory aspect of birthdays that I dislike. I feel bad with the idea of my parents giving me a gift. "Hey Chels, here's a brand new Mercedes. Congratulations on not dying/killing yourself this year!". I honestly would not mind if they picked up a leaf, wrapped it in newspaper and gave it to me. Heck, they don't even have to wrap it. I do not care. I feel guilty every time my Mom gives me allowance. I rarely, if ever, even ask her to buy me anything that I don't feel is necessary. I haven't gotten anything for my 15th, 16th and 17th birthday, and I won't just ask to cash it in one day when I need it. My parents pay for so much of my shit already that I cannot imagine the person I would be if I ever demand a gift for them just because IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. Besides, if my parents do insist on giving me money for my birthday, hell has to freeze over before I decide to spend it on anyone other than myself (This has got to be the most paradoxical idea ever. "I am too selfless to ask for money, but if ever you do give me some then fuck everyone, this is not going to be spent on some party just so all of you can dress up and eat my food. Fuck you, I am buying me some Versace").

I am not saying other people who expect gifts and parties and people flocking to celebrate them are horrible. These are just my feelings. I do see how odd they are. I do enjoy cake though. That has got to be the best thing about birthdays.

Nom.