I never thought being single all my life would be anything to someone other than myself. That is until last week when my Dad jokingly asked my brother to look for a guy suitable enough to be my boyfriend. I feel like Katherine in Taming of the Shrew. My own father thinks I'm so horrid that no guy would want to be with me and has to enlist the help of someone else (in my case, a sibling). What makes me really sad is knowing that I am (almost) 18 years old and still incapable of forming human bonds. Countless people have walked in and out of my life and not one of them has actually really known me and I have never really known them. I make friends, but not best friends (even just the concept of trusting someone with everything baffles me). I have never had a romantic relationship with someone because it is hard work. Finding someone you can connect with is difficult. Sometimes I wish I was not so complicated and odd and problematic and hard to please so that I wouldn't find human interaction so challenging. I just haven't found anyone who is worth all the trouble. and that's that. If you ask anyone who knows me personally, they will tell you I am not a fan of compromise and that's what relationships need in order to survive (Correct me if I am wrong, because obviously I'm not someone anyone should listen to when it comes to this matter). My Mom told me several years ago (when I was imagining prince charming would sing me a love song outside my house) "You'll have a boyfriend when you're ready. You need to be self-less first" which I think I can never be.
I think what makes people's relationships survive is their naivete (I feel people might take offense, but this is just what I believe). Everyone thinks of love as a magical feeling that supposedly lasts forever (how these people even think it is possible is beyond me) and they do not choose who they love and blah blah. I sound so cynical. I do believe in love. I do. I just don't believe in falling in love. I do not know the exact meaning of "falling in love" or the feeling these people are referring to when they use the term. I simply believe you love people because of how much time you spend with them. I love my parents because I have known them my whole life. They beat me and they scream at me and they insult me, but I love them. How is romantic love any different? My parents wed because my Mom was pregnant, but they're still together now and they're very happy and in-love. That's because it has been 18 years and they've stuck by each other, made sacrifices, compromised and that's how you end up loving someone. Unless you're being abused or haven't been with a person long enough, then you're probably just divorcing someone because you think you're going to find "true love" elsewhere.
I used to think that someday, maybe, there would be that one guy who would not freak out when he finally gets to know me. The Andy to my Allison (The Breakfast Club), the Joel to my Clementine (Eternal Sunshine...), the Paulie to my Juno (Juno), the Paul to my Hollie (Breakfast at Tiffany's), the Kyun-woo to my Girl (My Sassy Girl), the Nino to my Amelie (Amelie). FYI. I am just naming female characters who are considered odd and somewhat hard to love, but end up finding love anyway. But years have passed and I am starting to think that a boy (or girl, I could go both ways) who will see my quirks and baggage as lovable does not exist. I'm coming to realize that my so called "quirks" are really just horrible personality problems that make me an insufferable human being. *sigh*
I wouldn't mind being single all my life. I'll be in the company of amazing women such as Coco Chanel, Queen Elizabeth I and tons more!
And once again, I have forgotten what my point was when I started this.
I agree with you that it's usually a couple's naivety that gets them to "fall in love". But sometimes, even though you know that all this "forever and ever" crap is, well, crap, you just have to let go and give love a chance. Love isn't just always skipping in flowery parks, tickling each other in public and kissing on the grass at the park. Love has no general rule or specific description. Love differs from person to person. What love is to me, may not feel like love to you. But how would you know if you're not the one feeling it? So, love can be anything from punching holes in the moon to flying towards magical doors. Don't take other people's love as a reference. Just go and see for yourself. :)
ReplyDeleteI think with romantic relationships.. it's so easy to become cynical and go all "LOL idiot" because almost always, the most idiotic people we see are idiotic because of their undying devotion to their significant others. But I guess this factor of idiocy just comes with our age and the immaturity that usually comes along with it. (and yes I just implied that we are condescending because we are obviously much more mature than the rest of the people in our age gap. hah!) But you are right about the compromise part though. Relationships really are hard; but I guess with the right person, all those bad days become worth it. When things are bad, they're bad; but when they're good, they're amazing. And I don't necessarily think that "selflessness" is a prerequisite in getting involved with someone romantically. Total selflessness would entail you losing yourself.. and I think, in this life, no matter how absurd we think it is, we have to maintain the fact that we are our own being, we respectively exist as a separate entities from all the other people in this world. and what are relationships but just a fraction of who you are, designed to make you a better, happier person? : )
ReplyDelete*as separate entities
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