My posts show just how messy my train of thought is

I have been on edge for the past few days. I feel like there is this giant stress ball building up inside and it is going to explode soon in the form of an emotional breakdown, panic attack or a blackout. College has been such a huge weight on my back and I am only on my freshman year so I know it's just going to get heavier from here. Sometimes I wish I had just gone to DLSU where I could slack off and still pass or even probably be a Dean's Lister. But I am here in Ateneo where you're already too dumb to take regular Math before school even starts, where slacking off for a day can result in you failing a whole class, where you're treated like professionals even in PE!

I am always whining about school, but it's not like I exert a lot of effort. I wouldn't call myself a hard worker. I get very discouraged by small setbacks so I end up not giving my best because I don't think it will do any good. I know that I should really be a better student by now- especially now because I am in college. Before all the college hoo-ha started and I was just about to apply to different schools, my Dad talked to me. He asked me if I was sure about Ateneo. I said "Duh!". It was my dream school. I imagined everyone to be extremely intellectual and posh, but I never actually imagined the studying and working hard part. I guess because I am still in my first year and because college is so different from high school (where I could just coast around and cheat all the time) I am finding it very hard to adjust and it is just taking a long time. I am trying to shake myself and scream just to get myself to focus more, but I am just so bad at things when I have no interest in doing them (I think it stems from my nature to be needlessly defiant).

Anyway, because of the stress that school has given me, I've picked up a nasty habit. I admit that it not only helps calm me down, but it also helps with my diet. It's quite sad that I have to resort to such measures just to be able to stop eating. That just goes to show how much self-control I really have. Somehow I feel like I'm doing it partly just to spite my Mother, but she can never know or else I'll get killed.

I have been following award shows and fashion week and it's making me very distracted. I have a Math test on Thursday and I need to get my shit together. I had a consultation with my professor and he said that to be able to pass Math, I have to get a 60 on all the upcoming tests. Wish me luck!

Excuse me, my dinner just arrived.